Monthly Archive for July, 2009

A Thousand Years Until Morning

A thousand times today, I cried. Overwhelmed with sorrow and pain and brokenness for you, for me. Swollen with grace and mercy and forgiveness, and the power of hope for the holistic restoration hiding behind a fortress of dust and shadows. Taxed with the difficulty of cataloging and archiving memories and nightmares and dreams and ideals. Overflowing with passion and love for your soul, for you. A thousand times today I fell apart, like a sand castle built, and rebuilt a thousand times too close to the water’s edge where a thousand waves, each rushing right through me, unstoppable, tore me into a thousand pieces in a thousand moments while a thousand times I prayed for you.

I just needed a hug, today. From you. Nothing more; not sex; not a patronizing touch; not a half-ass’d squeeze out of obligation; not an apologetic excuse for an embrace unavoidably tainted by exhaustion and fatigue. I needed to know that I’m not bound to isolation; that I’m not alone in the painful despair and helplessness of solitude surrounded by plastic and metal, noise and fuzz. I needed to know that forever meant to you what it means to me: that time is programmable and the future has been carefully carved into our stony path we climb together.

I needed a BIG hug, today. Not a technical motion defined as a “squeezing tightly in one’s arms,” but the sort of embrace that envelopes who I am and swallows my soul and presses against me fitting into every curve and corner of my frame with the maximum surface area contact possible that screams to me, “Oh. My. God! I want you and I have you for the rest of my life! You’re beautiful! Don’t you let me go! Don’t you EVER let me let go of you! We’ll die if that happens…” I needed a hug from the beginning.

I wish to be held as if nothing else mattered; as if the networks and their parasitic, unquenchable distractions were a myth and the dishes were already done and the kids were in bed, asleep; as if morning’s breaking light was a thousand years away and dusk had just bathed your skin and washed your face with silver and all the light I could see was coming from the fathoms in your eyes, haunting, peering into the deepest cracks in me as if to beg of creation, from the Creator himself, with the whisper that beckons for the glue of eternity to hold me together. I wanted to bury my face in your shoulders and sweetly kiss your freckles, suffocating in your hair as your scent wraps itself again around my sieving heart and replenishes all that leaked out today.

Yeah, I could have used an embrace along those lines a thousand times today. Let me fade into sleep for a thousand years with you in my arms, protecting you from all that seeks to destroy; from all that hunts down goodness and faithfulness; from all the shadows that try to squelch the light.

“God, I would like to feel wanted again, please?” I begged.

“Patience. Loved, you are.” is all I heard.